Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
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