the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
