Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
they call him Oral-B. enough said
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
