the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
