This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
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