in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
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