trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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