You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
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