I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize
