Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
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