tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
