Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
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