My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
