I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
