I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
How's work?
Spinning.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
Randomize
