Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
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