Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
