he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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