I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
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From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize