I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Randomize
