So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
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i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
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I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
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