She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
you will always have a special place in my vag
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
