I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Randomize
