I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Randomize
