were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
