I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
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