remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
