Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
My first STD was from a foam party
i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
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