I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
