i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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