I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Randomize
