Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
