She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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