Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
31 People Admit To Nasty Things They Do On The Reg
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
21 Of The Most Regrettable Tattoo Ideas Ever
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?