honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
