the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
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My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
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Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake