Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
Who died my cat blue again?
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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