Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Someone stole a lamp last night.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
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