end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Reggie can tackle my bush.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Randomize
