I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
The beers last night were like the tears from god
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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