the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Randomize
