The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Randomize
