I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
