You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
