So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
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