I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
