I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
