I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
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