At least make sure they are 18
Why
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
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