I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
