Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
