This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
Randomize
