Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
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