I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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