He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
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