I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
