I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
