My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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