Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
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