Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
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