I wish my penis had an off switch
Done. Eyebrows are waxed, entire body shaved
my soul wont recognize me after tonight
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Randomize
