That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
