let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
