They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Randomize
