matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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